🔗 Share this article

The schedule for the Kennedy Center in the nation's capital shows a lighthearted bilingual production and an improvised theatrical troupe. Notably missing from the advertised events is the upcoming global football draw, presumably because it is a exclusively private affair. Planners seem intent on keep out any uninvited attendees from showing up at what threatens to be an excessively long, self-congratulatory ceremony where well-paid luminaries will doubtlessly repeat the old platitude that "football brings together the world."

An A-List Hosting Team

A glamorous ceremony is due to be emceed by German model-turned-TV presenter Heidi Klum alongside small-statured American comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Adding to the celebrity roster will be American football star Eli Manning on red-carpet details and actor Danny Ramirez as a roving reporter. Together, they will host a ceremony that will undoubtedly have English football fans who remember yearning for the simpler, unpretentious days of Graham Taylor, FA officials, the old draw system and a trusty fabric pouch of wooden, lottery balls.

Slated to last the thick end of three torturous hours, the show will feature a lengthy agenda of lengthy speeches, overly sentimental video montages, scripted gags, famous faces, performances from acts with perhaps little shame or enormous tax bills, and then... at last, the real World Cup draw.

Icons of Sport on Draw Detail

Among those tasked with conducting the draw? Basketball legend Shaquille O'Neal, ice hockey great Wayne Gretzky, NFL star Tom Brady and baseball star Aaron Judge, all selecting numbered spheres under the supervision of former defender Rio Ferdinand. Given the considerable, deep well of charisma exhibited by these ageing sporting icons, barring an armed snatch-squad storming the event, it's hard to imagine what could potentially go wrong.

Actually, not much, if the tone-deaf defence of FIFA's well-documented World Cup ticket price-gouging mounted by an obsequious spokesperson is any sort of indicator. When asked if tickets should be more affordable for average fans, the reply was non-committal. "In my view we have to be aware of that and I think FIFA are definitely an organization that are conscious of that," was the comment. "However, I think we can look at every sector, every area, we could have that conversation about things," it was noted. The implication seemed to be that high prices are justified when compared with other luxury goods.

The Actual Draw

With 42 nations already qualified for next summer's jamboree and six more set to qualify, there will be a real feeling of giddiness once the opening acts conclude and the actual draw gets under way. While fans worldwide wait with bated breath to see which three nations their particular country will face in the group stages, the anticipation pales in comparison to that which comes before the reveal of the recipient of FIFA's inaugural award for peace for "people who help unite people in peace through steadfast commitment and special actions." Given that the draw is in Washington and the tournament is primarily in the United States, guesses about the winner are ripe, though the hints are apparent.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was speaking to the owner today. My relationship with him is rock solid really. I have a real transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my job in that sense I have absolutely no worries whatsoever" – comments from a manager with a team in the midst of a five-match losing streak, offering a textbook remark likely to be revisited should a dismissal occur in the future.

Audience Feedback

• "Regarding the mention of a potential club named Kevin... there is an exciting Brazilian winger named Kevin at a Premier League club who cost more than £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be persuaded to purchase a lower league club and rename it after himself."
• "Going to football games in the 80s/90s, when the opponent was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "My reading ceased after nine words. 'Comprised of'! What was the thought process? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an extra official."
• "There is apprehension ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what memorable tune will a famous group come up with if a political figure remains on the stage, requiring an additional song?"